My Mom is so ...

My mom is so classy she makes Princess Diana look like Amy Winehouse.

My mom is so kind she makes Mother Teresa look like Stone Cold Steve Austin.

My mom is so good with animals she makes Jane Goodall look like Michael Vick.

My mom is so generous she makes Oprah look like Scrooge.

I wrote my third and final Mom's column for The Daily Evergreen this year and it was bittersweet. I leave as the editor but writing my final mom's column calls to my attention my rapidly nearing rebirth into the real world.

But that's neither here nor there, my Mom is the reason I write this post. Simply put – I lucked out in mom lotto.

She faced adversity. She raised me as a single mother. When she got pregnant she was young, unwed and Catholic – she could have had me taken care of without anyone knowing – if you know what I mean.

Her life would have been much easier. She had an education. She had the freedom to do whatever she wanted.

But she did the right thing. She had me. That’s because she always does the right thing. And that’s why today, I’m the kind of man who does the right thing.

My mom taught me to be a good man, and she did a good job.

Today, I am the man women wish most men were.

I don’t stare at cleavage. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I don’t kiss and tell. I don’t call women “honey,” “sweety” or “dear,” and I never refer to them as “girls.” I hold doors. I make eye contact. I listen. I remember things. I’m confident. I’m considerate.

It may sound like I’m bragging. And I am. Oh God, am I ever. But I don’t find it vain to be self aware enough to realize and openly admit I’m a good person. There aren’t many of us out there and what I am is a reflection on the person most responsible for my development – my mom.

I'm stable because she's stable.

So mom, thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you for feeding me. Thank you for taking me to see “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” for my 10th birthday, and for bailing me out of jail in high school, and for caring for me for months after I broke my legs.

Mom, you are my role model, my friend, and you’re the coolest person I’ve ever met. Thank you for showing me what real woman acts like.






And the ones that didn't make it:

My mom is so self-reliant she makes Ralph Waldo Emerson look like Paris Hilton.

My mom is so fashionable she makes Lady Gaga look like Ugly Betty.

My mom is so prudent she makes Warren Buffet look like Snooki.