How to fellate celeb in 4,000 words

This month's cover of Rolling Stone features a man after Narcissus' own heart, John Mayer.

Celebrity profiler and sycophant Erik Hedegaard pens a cover story that simultaneously disgusts and enlightens when revealing Mayer's obsessive collection of lady's handbags, his fascination with trannies and his unbridled self-centeredness.

You can almost hear Hedegaard ask Mayer questions framed in language of glowing reverence to the "guitar god's" alleged genius.

You can almost hear him ask: "On your majestic journey to manhood did you discover that you were born with limitless talent or did you have to exert your Herculean powers of will to gain this utter mastery of your craft?"

But most of the profile is merely a record of the Mayerbag's drunken ramblings about how he really just wants a girlfriend.

To wit, Mayer in his own words:

"Do you think it's going to take meeting someone who I admire more than myself?

But isn't it also about a beautiful vagina?

Aren't we talking about a matrix of a couple different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go tow-to-toe with you intellectually.

But don't they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out for, like, the weekend? Doesn't that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?"

Life is hard when you're so in love with yourself you can't love someone else I guess.

On the topic of his tweets, Hedegaard paints Mayer as a master of metaphor, using the sophomoric topic of his own feces to bring Confucian enlightenment to Twitterland.

Hedegaard writer, "Nothing is what it seems. He operates in layers of meaning, where a poop joke is so much more than a poop joke."

Mmm yes, he's a literary onion. And to prove it here are a few of Mayer's tweets!

"This isn't a gas tank for a sex machine, it's a beer gut."

OK. That one made me laugh a little but it doesn't explain the mystery of life.

"I'm a douchebag, if you could empty one and fill it with Jack Daniels, Smarties and daydreams."

Whatever it's filled with, at least you admit it bro.

"Just read my Rolling Stone cover article. I'm still not sure if I would want to hang out with me."

Amen.

To be fair I can't say the profile was a total waste of space. Hedegaard uses interesting (albeit a tad antiquated in delivery) sensory details and Mayer likes Modern Warfare 2 so he's got THAT going for him.